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Eric Barker | the Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong

The Unmistakable Creative Podcast

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  • The Unmistakable Creative The book is one of the most interesting books i’ve ever read. It’s probably my number one book recommendation for the year, if anybody is listening. What social group were you ae bart in high school and how did that end up in packing the choices that you’ve made with your life? And interesting question. I i deflin was part of the outsiders. Not not total, not total nerve, not the, not the dos kids, but, others. Transcript: Speaker 2 Others. Which, as i was telling you, is probably my number one book recommendation for the year, for anybody is listening. By far, one of the most interesting books i have read. And we will get into it, but based on the content of the book and the subject matter, i wanted to start by asking you, what social group were you ae bart in high school, and how did that end Up in packing the choices that you’ve made with your life? Speaker 1 And interesting question. I i deflin was part of the outsiders. Not not total, not total nerve, not the, not the dos kids, but, (Time 0:02:08)
  • The Freedom That They Give You Imen, i think it comes from the fact that, you know, my my parnts n neter oa a choice, wy not jus the environments they they grew up in, you know, being aware of their backgrounds, they didn’t have the option. And what was great was, they gave me the option, but they thought that, i think my values would have ennedy been their values, and that i would have immediately sow, you know, traditionally traditional status, you know, jobs like doctor lay or something like tha. Transcript: Speaker 1 Imen, i think it comes from the fact that, you know, my my parnts n neter oa a choice, wy not jus the environments they they grew up in, you know, being aware of their backgrounds, they didn’t Have the option. And what was great was, they gave me the option, but they thought that, i think my values would have ennedy been their values, and that i would have immediately sow, you know, traditionally Traditional status, you know, jobs like doctor lay or something like tha. (Time 0:06:55)
  • 1min Snip i think we’ve all been in a situation where we say to ourselves, like, i’d like to do this. It makes it so much different when you know someone who has done that. And my guess is that for a lot of people, no poos situations, they don’t feel like it’s a possibility or at the very least, yo don’t even if they really want it. Transcript: Speaker 1 And my guess is that for a lot of people, no poos situations, whether it’s, you know, financial o circle, they don’t feel like it’s a possibility, or at the very least, yo don’t even if They really want it, they don’t know how to brig ta, dad, like, hoto, i get from here there. Because, you know, i think we’ve all been in a situation where we say to ourselves, like, i’d like to do this, but we we it makes it so much different when you know someone who has done that, When you know someonewho, and you have that model, you have that example. You know, he dary ge dar’s not that smart. (Time 0:07:47)
  • 1min Snip i got pissed off, because heu nows li o. but he tells me, not everybody can be the next steef jobs. You wouldn’t tell my sister that she can’t be any kind of tor she wants. And like, ye, i sucket computer science, and i’m not steve job’s level brilliant,. Like i finally had to come to terms without syes, there are certain people o re gan t achieve at that level. Transcript: Speaker 2 Ah, but he tells me, not everybody can be the next steef jobs. And i got pissed off, because heu nows li o. You wouldn’t tell my sister that she can’t be any kind of tor she wants. And it’s funny because, like, i just remember looking through at my articles on like, weitman, i wrote an article titled, you’re probably not going to be the next steve jobs operadto The very thing that pished me off, i just found myself agreeing with because i realized he was right. And like, ye, i sucket computer science, and i’m not steve job’s level brilliant, like i finally had to come to terms without syes, there are certain people o re gan t achieve at that level. (Time 0:12:21)
  • 1min Snip The idea that genetics play a role, or genetic determinism, is really kind of frownd upon in self improvement circles. And i remember we had justine musk here a and she said, this is not something that you can learn. Like, ye, i sucket computer science, and i’m not steve job’s level brilliant, like i finally had to come to terms without syes. Transcript: Speaker 2 And like, ye, i sucket computer science, and i’m not steve job’s level brilliant, like i finally had to come to terms without syes, there are certain people o re gan t achieve at that level. And i remember we had justine musk here a and she wrote that article, which you probably, i’m sure, have read, about extreme success. And she said, this is not something that you can learn. And she said, i don’t want to get all deterministic, but i i do think that the idea that genetics play a role, or genetic determinism, is really kind of frownd upon in self improvement Circles an like, you know what? (Time 0:12:48)
  • 1min Snip “Its importance is, is huge. And i get into that in my first book,” he says. “There’s going to be ow wirs, you know, people who can run reins around.” Transcript: Speaker 1 Yknow, i dont, i don’t want, if i don’t want to deny its importance. Its importance is, is huge. And i get into that in my first book. But, like i, you know, it’s differently a factor. But to me, that that becomes part of the process, becoming part of the process is realizing your strength and double en down on them, where instead of just saying, anybody can a, that’s Ridiculous. You know, it’s like, we all, we all know o tetail ind the distribution. You nont fend anyer. There’s going to be ow wirs, you know, people who can run reins around. (Time 0:13:49)
  • 29sec Snip You know, verses, if you keep trying to be the thingas successful 20 years ago, especially in the modern age. No, thats bes. That’s generally comical. An enther, there some areas that having changed. Biht, no, we eed tobe, you needto die deep and think about, like, where my strength’s, where they can act, you know, rather than be atactly you’re not to. Benet ye, i think what’s funny is how often these successtories use outliers as are roll models for possibility. And you read about that. Transcript: Speaker 1 You know, verses, if you keep trying to be the thingas successful 20 years ago, especially in the modern age. No, thats bes. That’s generally comical. An enther, there some areas that having changed. Biht, no, we eed tobe, you needto die deep and think about, like, where my strength’s, where they can act, you know, rather than be atactly you’re not to. Speaker 2 Benet ye, i think what’s funny is how often these successtories use outliers as are roll models for possibility. And you read about that. (Time 0:15:49)
  • 27sec Snip I think that you’re absolutely right. Because the the issue, as we do have along size, you know, it’s allf education system, ad let les gen off to high school. And, you know, we see tat but basically, when you look at sa t wors and sandardized tests, those are effectively acute tests. You know, it’s ike a w. Research shows in meanwhile, grades in high school are actually a much better testof conscientiousness, their ability to follow the rules. Transcript: Speaker 1 I think that you’re absolutely right. Because the the issue, as we do have along size, you know, it’s allf education system, ad let les gen off to high school. And, you know, we see tat but basically, when you look at sa t wors and sandardized tests, those are effectively acute tests. You know, it’s ike a w. Research shows in meanwhile, grades in high school are actually a much better testof conscientiousness, their ability to follow the rules. (Time 0:18:50)
  • 29sec Snip You know, it’s ike a w. Research shows in meanwhile, grades in high school are actually a much better testof conscientiousness, their ability to follow the rules. And looking at those two, you can see, yon’t sure. Some people have a very high ece and ther very hep sport, very high in conscientiousness, and they do grade on standardized tests in school. But a lot of people, there is more of a gap there. O whoh. School and school grades are generally testing people’s ability to follow rules, which, in general, if you want to do pretty good. Transcript: Speaker 1 You know, it’s ike a w. Research shows in meanwhile, grades in high school are actually a much better testof conscientiousness, their ability to follow the rules. And looking at those two, you can see, yon’t sure. Some people have a very high ece and ther very hep sport, very high in conscientiousness, and they do grade on standardized tests in school. But a lot of people, there is more of a gap there. O whoh. School and school grades are generally testing people’s ability to follow rules, which, in general, if you want to do pretty good. (Time 0:19:09)
  • 1min Snip Thosethos went on to do very well, but what they didn’t do is become exceptional because they were following the rules. And again, that kind of fighting the last war ratio, you know, we have to break the rules. We always hear disruption. But people who theta victorian usually aren’t going to be distrupting anything. Theyare just not good at it. Transcript: Speaker 1 School and school grades are generally testing people’s ability to follow rules, which, in general, if you want to do pretty good. Oh, you now, it’s a great way good. So that’s what the research showed in terms of the val detori sudy, is that thosethos, they went on to do very well, but what they didn’t do is become exceptional because they were following The rules. And again, that kind of fighting the last war ratio, you know, we have to break the rules. We have to just see, like, what are the other possibilities? We always hear disruption. Well, you know, people who theta victorian usually aren’t going to be distrupting anything. (Time 0:19:30)
  • 1min Snip Outliers are not in perfectly compliant and conchecting all the boxes. Because in school, you have to yet if you want to edotoryuse to get aid in every subject. And that kind of basically limits fashion. If you are somebody who is exceptionally passionate about being mas,. you have to stop studying mat, practising mat, to study history and english and everything else. You know, verses the career world is the absolute reverse. Your outlier isn’t perfect but they can be a very interesting person. Transcript: Speaker 1 Barkne the rontree, and i point to a lot of other research showing i that same principle, that outliers are different. They are not in perfectly compliant and conchecting all the boxes. Because in school, you have to yet if you want to edotoryuse to get aid in every subject. And that kind of basically limits fashion. If you are somebody who is exceptionally passionate about being mas, you have to stop studying mat, practising mat, to study history and english and everything else. You know, verses the career world is the absolute reverse. (Time 0:20:19)
  • 28sec Snip And that kind of basically limits fashion. If you are somebody who is exceptionally passionate about being mas, you have to stop studying mat, practising mat, to study history and english and everything else. You know, verses the career world is the absolute reverse. Your pruer. Well, you know, if you’re going to go to work fr dogal, your great mastrogat com puer, science, awsome. They don’t care if you know anything about history. You know it. So ed you’re starting a start up again. Transcript: Speaker 1 And that kind of basically limits fashion. If you are somebody who is exceptionally passionate about being mas, you have to stop studying mat, practising mat, to study history and english and everything else. You know, verses the career world is the absolute reverse. Your pruer. Well, you know, if you’re going to go to work fr dogal, your great mastrogat com puer, science, awsome. They don’t care if you know anything about history. You know it. So ed you’re starting a start up again. (Time 0:20:39)
  • 1min Snip You can hire people to be, to perform in the areas that you have weaknesses around. And that’s what we’re seeing aganad again, is that the people who really double down on their strength,. Those the people who have more the pessential for that outliers success verses be well rounded. Don’t care if you know anything about history. You know it. So ed you’re starting a start up again. don’t care if I’m not good at this or that. It doesn’t matter how much experience you’ve had before. If you are going to get out of your comfort zone and do something different from everyone else, then go all-in. The best way to Transcript: Speaker 1 They don’t care if you know anything about history. You know it. So ed you’re starting a start up again. You know, you can hire people to be, to perform in the areas that you have weaknesses around. People can givein an assistent, you know, who can help them the organized if they’re not organized by you have to be really good at that thing, you know. And that’s what we’re seeing aganad again, is that the people who really double down on their strength, those the people who have more the pessential for that outliers success verses Be well rounded. (Time 0:21:02)
  • 29sec Snip And this guy tells me, we don’t hire any english majors. And i didn’t ever a class after that that i didn’t think would help me get a job. Ind the irony, of course, as i never interviewed for a job at eccentre, and they pobably would never hire me. I mean, for me, i i nie, i necessarily chalkd it up to any flattering characteristics on my part. I think part of it was, you know, a basplat being very low in a person, por soo trate of agreeableness. Transcript: Speaker 2 And this guy tells me, we don’t hire any english majors. And i didn’t ever a class after that that i didn’t think would help me get a job. Ind the irony, of course, as i never interviewed for a job at eccentre, and they pobably would never hire me. Speaker 1 I mean, for me, i i nie, i necessarily chalkd it up to any flattering characteristics on my part. I think part of it was, you know, a basplat being very low in a person, por soo trate of agreeableness. (Time 0:23:39)
  • 28sec Snip So i finished up my fino year, once nester nealy moved out. S t, i i getinghow a gont a pairof pills of lizien, thinking about that. Ah. But you know, i, i got lucky pretty fast in terms ob rigt tas le. After i was out there for a year a at n ageant. After two years, i sold a scrip, and after three years, i had two moves me. But this was all like, small india stuff. And, like, i managed to ek out a living. Transcript: Speaker 1 So i finished up my fino year, once nester nealy moved out. S t, i i getinghow a gont a pairof pills of lizien, thinking about that. Ah. But you know, i, i got lucky pretty fast in terms ob rigt tas le. After i was out there for a year a at n ageant. After two years, i sold a scrip, and after three years, i had two moves me. But this was all like, small india stuff. And, like, i managed to ek out a living. (Time 0:28:05)
  • 25sec Snip And so, oddly enough, i went and got im inteeg. And i was, it was, it was like a comedy. It was literaly like a comedy foun, like total fish out of water. Here’s this gamadrian philosophy. Worked in hollywood, writing, like action woves tan kids movies for ten years. And now i’m in business school with us people who major business and undergrad or used to be engineers. Transcript: Speaker 1 And so, oddly enough, i went and got im inteeg. And i was, it was, it was like a comedy. It was literaly like a comedy foun, like total fish out of water. Here’s this gamadrian philosophy. Worked in hollywood, writing, like action woves tan kids movies for ten years. And now i’m in business school with us people who major business and undergrad or used to be engineers. (Time 0:29:44)
  • 28sec Snip Worked in hollywood, writing, like action woves tan kids movies for ten years. And now i’m in business school with us people who major business and undergrad or used to be engineers. And like, i’m literally first day of ten u school, i’m opening on my laptop, and i i fire up atcell and it actually gave me that window that’s like, you’ve never used this application before. Would you like a tour? And i’m like, s prob isn’t got to be thing. But it was. It was actually imbesinessible. Transcript: Speaker 1 Worked in hollywood, writing, like action woves tan kids movies for ten years. And now i’m in business school with us people who major business and undergrad or used to be engineers. And like, i’m literally first day of ten u school, i’m opening on my laptop, and i i fire up atcell and it actually gave me that window that’s like, you’ve never used this application before. Would you like a tour? And i’m like, s prob isn’t got to be thing. But it was. It was actually imbesinessible. (Time 0:29:58)
  • 28sec Snip Would you like a tour? And i’m like, s prob isn’t got to be thing. But it was. It was actually imbesinessible. Tha, i first a, i supposed to social science, because i took a class on negotiating, and i was really interested in that. And then after i had graduated and was unemployed because i divn’t want to take a standard job, i did my internship at intenda, which was a good thick ause they were doing some fun trade stuff. But that’s won y started my block. And that was n two thousand nine. Transcript: Speaker 1 Would you like a tour? And i’m like, s prob isn’t got to be thing. But it was. It was actually imbesinessible. Tha, i first a, i supposed to social science, because i took a class on negotiating, and i was really interested in that. And then after i had graduated and was unemployed because i divn’t want to take a standard job, i did my internship at intenda, which was a good thick ause they were doing some fun trade Stuff. But that’s won y started my block. And that was n two thousand nine. (Time 0:30:20)
  • 1min Snip i had some fun working in the vidiogame industry. A ten i worked on, i woredte irrational owork in the by shop franchise. But eventually the block blew up. And so it just kept runling and growling. That that internally, that tat caused me a lot of emotional difficulty. I was doing the blo, you know, anvidio game watches are insane. So, like, i was just not getting off asleep, working really hard. Transcript: Speaker 1 That that internally, that tat caused me a lot of emotional difficulty. But everyday i was doing the blo, you know, anvidio game watches are insane. So, like, i was just not getting off asleep, working really hard. And i, you know, had some fun working in the vidiogame industry. A ten i worked on, i woredte irrational owork in the by shop franchise. I, i worked in the right factory franch ise, a s milyfull stoff. But eventually the block blew up. And so it just kept runling and growling. (Time 0:31:20)
  • 1min Snip “I kind of plut myik. I wanted bei wanted to be al rita 15 nd, i got to put that aside o school and work in titio games,” she said. “It was strange to to leave that and then kind of come back to that.” Transcript: Speaker 1 And i was like, wat, this is, this is more what i wanted to doin this is, this is the rigtin. I kind of plut myik. I wanted bei wanted to be al rita 15 nd, i got to put that aside o school and work in titio games. And it was, it was strange to to to leave that and then kind of come back to that. And so in 20 13, i put my job, i he o, focused on the folks on the bag. Git kept growling. That started getting syndicated by the od time magazine, business insider, an the leak, and and then everybody kept tellinme, gi riad, a book, to otrig book. (Time 0:31:54)
  • 1min Snip The happiest marriages now are happier than any throughout history, if you do marriage right right. But the issue is, we can’t just rely on our contacts. We have to be a lot more proactive if we want one of those happiest marriages everin speaking of which, there are some really kind of funny things you say about a sort of phases through which you know, a relationship. You don’t always get what you think you’re getting when it comes to your partner’s sex life. I’ve been in relationships that were very difficult for me and my wife; they weren’t as good as she thought they were. It was like being told by someone who had never experienced this type of thing Transcript: Speaker 1 Before, pro active, the happiest marriages now are happier than any throughout history, if you do marriage right right. Now, you can have the happiest marriages that have ever existed. But the issue is, we can’t just rely on our contacts. We can’t rely on passively showing up. Speaker 2 We have to be a lot more proactive if we want one of those happiest marriages everin speaking of which, there are some really kind of funny things you say about a sort of phases through Which you know, a relationship. (Time 1:03:38)
  • 25sec Snip All o bit, it’s funny, because quoted that, i remember, i put that on instagram, saying, you want a guaranteed way not to get laid, take a girl to dinner. Ilike, i tried to avoid dinner dates like the plague because of exactly what you said. And i didn’t realize now i have research to back it up. So if any girl tries to challenge meyond this and say, let’s do something loke, i’ll just send her this quote from your book. I don’t think i coul a fonthe gatiot narrodout, o h, no, ety way. No, you didn’t. Transcript: Speaker 2 All o bit, it’s funny, because quoted that, i remember, i put that on instagram, saying, you want a guaranteed way not to get laid, take a girl to dinner. Ilike, i tried to avoid dinner dates like the plague because of exactly what you said. And i didn’t realize now i have research to back it up. So if any girl tries to challenge meyond this and say, let’s do something loke, i’ll just send her this quote from your book. Speaker 1 I don’t think i coul a fonthe gatiot narrodout, o h, no, ety way. No, you didn’t. (Time 1:07:22)
  • 1min Snip “You are just playing on a hard mood. The other person better be like, in a great mood,” he says. “Otherwise there’s just no margin for geting to no each other.” Transcript: Speaker 1 Otherwise it’s almost like you’ve had a playing on hard mood, like, you you’re noo ble to read people as well. You’re not going able to leverage te emotions in the environment. You are just playing on a hard mood. The other person better be like, in a great mood. And you known fetamins and energa, ha, ha, ha, ha, te tey, they’d better be like, on their ay game, because otherwise there’s just no margin for geting to no each other, for treain as vibrant Feelings bit you. You you wantto be able to, like, really give it a shot. (Time 1:08:25)
  • 29sec Snip Yo, that’s a cool, fun thing to do, and i think we all appreciate that. And it’s also good if you are not completely reliant on the other person to be entertaining or or ormnty alcohol, but to actually do something which is kind of inherently fun, that you enjoy, you know. Hay, at least. Yo, gat a surprised if iinde doting. Go, well, an, you don’t like each other. Soman se down. No, i remember, i was trying to convince this girl to go ice skating, and she’s like, nola, to do something loque, nothing. Transcript: Speaker 1 Yo, that’s a cool, fun thing to do, and i think we all appreciate that. And it’s also good if you are not completely reliant on the other person to be entertaining or or ormnty alcohol, but to actually do something which is kind of inherently fun, that you Enjoy, you know. Hay, at least. Yo, gat a surprised if iinde doting. Go, well, an, you don’t like each other. Soman se down. Speaker 2 No, i remember, i was trying to convince this girl to go ice skating, and she’s like, nola, to do something loque, nothing. (Time 1:09:41)
  • 1min Snip i was trying to convince this girl to go ice skating, and she’s like, nola, to do something loque. And that was kind of it. We mat up for dinner and just, yo, know, there was nothing there. I don’t waste my time with this. or ormnty alcohol,. but to actually do something which is kind of inherently fun, that you enjoy, you know. Hay, at least. Yo, gat a surprised if iinde doting. Go, well, an, you don’t like each other. Soman se down. Transcript: Speaker 1 Or or ormnty alcohol, but to actually do something which is kind of inherently fun, that you enjoy, you know. Hay, at least. Yo, gat a surprised if iinde doting. Go, well, an, you don’t like each other. Soman se down. Speaker 2 No, i remember, i was trying to convince this girl to go ice skating, and she’s like, nola, to do something loque, nothing. And that was kind of it. And, youknow, we mat up for dinner and just, yo, know, there was nothing there. I was like, all right, well, you no. And that was the end of it. I was like, you’re not. And, you know, she was really sweet, and i told her, i was like, honestly, just based on our interaction, it doesn’t seem like you’re that end to me. I don’t waste my time with this. (Time 1:09:51)
  • 1min Snip Yamiaer: I think the other parts that really struck me were the things about fighting in a relationship. Thefon fact you mentione, marriage counselling was created by the notes. So ly tas thats, that’s something at i think we nead to think about. But yet, s ike, if the other person is just totally gan it this way. Well done. Transcript: Speaker 1 So ly tas thats, that’s something at i think we nead to think about. But yet, s ike, if the other person is just totally gan it this way. Well done. Yamiaer. Speaker 2 I think the other parts that really struck me were the things about fighting in a relationship. Thefon fact you mentione, marriage counselling was created by the notes. Goto say more about that. Speaker 1 O, i total was, it was part of a part of a nott eugenic’s program onislata mad t. (Time 1:10:52)
  • 1min Snip By the time they are even seeing a tartisend, and by dace, it’s often too late yet. I remember my first roommate out of college was one of the reno earliest guise to get married. And i remember he was going to marriage councilling at the church before the marriage. And i was just like, what? Most people like there already, it’s already mission critical, the thiti. The real issue with marriage counselling it’s, it’s terrible, terrible. Worsin sosit its. It’s not good for you or your partner. Transcript: Speaker 1 The real issue with marriage counselling it’s, it’s terrible, terrible. Worsin sosit its. I most people it to lon togot most. Most people like there already, it’s already mission critical, the thiti. The cancer has already reached, you know, stage for by the time they are even seeing a tartisend, and by dace, it’s often too late yet. Speaker 2 I remember my first roommate out of college was one of the reno earliest guise to get married. And i remember he was going to marriage councilling at the church before the marriage. And i was just like, what? (Time 1:11:36)
  • 1min Snip i remember my first roommate out of college was one of the reno earliest guise to get married. And i remember he was going to marriage councilling at the church before the marriage. Now, after all these years, s io, that makes all the sense in the world. There’re inevitably going to be things that you actually don’t talk about unless you have an objective third party who forces you to talk about them. It’s really powerful. Transcript: Speaker 2 I remember my first roommate out of college was one of the reno earliest guise to get married. And i remember he was going to marriage councilling at the church before the marriage. And i was just like, what? Speaker 1 And you know, now, after all these years, s io, that makes all the sense in the world, because he said, there’re inevitably going to be things that you actually don’t talk about unless You have an objective third party who forces you to talk about them. Th i mean, a that can be really helpful if you don’t know, if you don’t know what to do, and you’re both stuck in bad habits, you know, it can be really, really powerful. (Time 1:12:00)
  • 29sec Snip And you know, now, after all these years, s io, that makes all the sense in the world, because he said, there’re inevitably going to be things that you actually don’t talk about unless you have an objective third party who forces you to talk about them. Th i mean, a that can be really helpful if you don’t know, if you don’t know what to do, and you’re both stuck in bad habits, you know, it can be really, really powerful. It’s just, again, most people, i think, wait an average of six years to get a marriage counciling. And by then, you know, what i talk about in the book is, this is research by john gotlan. Transcript: Speaker 1 And you know, now, after all these years, s io, that makes all the sense in the world, because he said, there’re inevitably going to be things that you actually don’t talk about unless You have an objective third party who forces you to talk about them. Th i mean, a that can be really helpful if you don’t know, if you don’t know what to do, and you’re both stuck in bad habits, you know, it can be really, really powerful. It’s just, again, most people, i think, wait an average of six years to get a marriage counciling. And by then, you know, what i talk about in the book is, this is research by john gotlan. (Time 1:12:12)
  • 1min Snip Only 40% of screening matches result in divorce. More often, what results in divorce is that people aren’t communicating. Raising issues allows them to be dealt with. And so problems can’s be complaining is actually a positive as long as you do not personalize it. Transcript: Speaker 1 And that is largely because people aren’t communicating. One of the things ive gotten in families that en alot of people are afraid olges. If we argue, we’re now fight, and ten that’s going to be the end of the marriage. And that’s really not the case for it was only forty % of the time do screening matches, you know, result in divorce. More often, what results in divorce is that people aren’t communicating. And so problems can’t be complaining is actually a positive, as long as you do’t personalize it. Raising issues allows them to be dealt with. (Time 1:13:20)
  • 28sec Snip Raising issues allows them to be dealt with. And as gotman found well, iv is yu never gon to be resolt. 69 % oing going mar lic, you never get resolved. But far from being depressing, information that is true among happy and unhappy couples, meaning that you don’t have to solve every problem in a relationship es much more about the regulation of complict than the resolution comflict. Transcript: Speaker 1 Raising issues allows them to be dealt with. And as gotman found well, iv is yu never gon to be resolt. 69 % oing going mar lic, you never get resolved. But far from being depressing, information that is true among happy and unhappy couples, meaning that you don’t have to solve every problem in a relationship es much more about the Regulation of complict than the resolution comflict. (Time 1:13:49)
  • 1min Snip This is true among happy and unhappy couples, meaning that you don’t have to solve every problem in a relationship es much more about the regulation of complict than the resolution comflict. I think that that was the one that really struck me most, because my romate, my old woman, andi, were preessing for somebody here,. He said that they would get into shouting matches. Transcript: Speaker 1 But far from being depressing, information that is true among happy and unhappy couples, meaning that you don’t have to solve every problem in a relationship es much more about the Regulation of complict than the resolution comflict. Speaker 2 I think that that was the one that really struck me most, because my romate, my old woman, andi, were preessing for somebody here, and he was telling me about, you know, the situation Wit the girl that he broke up with and mino, he said that they would get into shouting matches. (Time 1:13:59)
  • 28sec Snip My mother’s temperamental e dad la, d escalate, like just ignore it. And he told me, he said, what he didn’t realize, until she kind of, ah, made him really aware of this, is that by not fighting, it was actually much more terrifying. Because she’s like, who the hell knows, like, if you’re going to just erupt and let it all explode, or youregoing to kill me. She says, i don’t know what thinking when you don’t fight back. And that had never occurred to me, beause ihad always tended to like, move towards descalation in any ne of these situations. Transcript: Speaker 2 My mother’s temperamental e dad la, d escalate, like just ignore it. And he told me, he said, what he didn’t realize, until she kind of, ah, made him really aware of this, is that by not fighting, it was actually much more terrifying. Because she’s like, who the hell knows, like, if you’re going to just erupt and let it all explode, or youregoing to kill me. She says, i don’t know what thinking when you don’t fight back. And that had never occurred to me, beause ihad always tended to like, move towards descalation in any ne of these situations. (Time 1:14:41)
  • 1min Snip There can be a difficult dynamic where men are more likely to stone wall, women are more Likely to criticise. And the combination can be really deadly. Where instead of raising an issue neutrally,. women are more inclined to personalize it. Instead of calmly dealing with something in ondint men are morelikely to shot an. thoug it can be misinterpreted as you don’t care, you’re not listening. Transcript: Speaker 1 U thoug it can be misinterpreted, again, nation an be misinterpreted as you don’t care, you’re not listening. And so there can be a difficult dynamic where men are more likely to stone wall, women are more likely to criticise. And the combination can be really deadly. Where instead of raising an issue neutrally, women are more inclined to personalize it. And men, instead, of calmly dealing with something in ondint men are more likely to shot an. (Time 1:16:12)
  • 1min Snip The key wore there is collective. And we have become an increasingly individualistic society. We did once upon a time, now we really don’t. The only way to do things like reduce the college of college or graduate school is through, you got it right, collective action. Transcript: Speaker 2 We did once upon a time, now we really don’t. We’ve become collective action. The key wore there is collective. And we have become an increasingly individualistic society. And so part of why i think the labor movement in the united states right nowis, is weaker than it’s been since, now, early in the nineteenth century, is because of the degree to which we’ve Individualized our social contract. And the only way to do things like reduce the college of college or graduate school is through, you got it right, collective action. So what o you make of that? (Time 1:18:00)
  • 29sec Snip I mean, based on the research that you’ve done for your book, i mean, e our social efraction, you know, and we don’t have clear i now, america’s always drawn a lot of strength from the idea of being a nation of immigrants, being this like, group of disport that creates a lot of creativity and dynamism. And we don’t, we don’t stick to rules as much, just because they’ve always been the way. So it’s it’s been a much more vigorous and dynamic culture. Transcript: Speaker 1 I mean, based on the research that you’ve done for your book, i mean, e our social efraction, you know, and we don’t have clear i now, america’s always drawn a lot of strength from the idea Of being a nation of immigrants, being this like, group of disport that creates a lot of creativity and dynamism. And we don’t, we don’t stick to rules as much, just because they’ve always been the way. So it’s it’s been a much more vigorous and dynamic culture. (Time 1:18:35)
  • 27sec Snip On the other hand, terms of accomplishing things, it can be difficult. And again, personally, as i get into them in the book, it can be lonely because we don’t have those bonds. And when i come fasteing iam, unable even to firrstonsin the researches of pal berdy, who teaches at the university york, she’s an historian, she said, in the o nineteenth century, loneliness as an experience almost didn’t exist. Which i can sit sounded crazy, oi. Transcript: Speaker 1 On the other hand, terms of accomplishing things, it can be difficult. And again, personally, as i get into them in the book, it can be lonely because we don’t have those bonds. And when i come fasteing iam, unable even to firrstonsin the researches of pal berdy, who teaches at the university york, she’s an historian, she said, in the o nineteenth century, Loneliness as an experience almost didn’t exist. Which i can sit sounded crazy, oi. (Time 1:19:04)
  • 1min Snip Lonely people don’t spend any less time with people than non lonely people do, on average. The point is that before that time, we were all imbedded in he culture, o religion, a nation, a community, tribe, a family. We had those bonds. And that is action much more critical to the issue of loneliness. Transcript: Speaker 1 But the point is that before that time, we were all imbedded in he culture, o religion, a nation, a community, tribe, a family. We had those bonds. And that is action much more critical to the issue of loneliness. Dos john apachiova, who is done, in a most sebulk, the big work in terms of loneliness, but he found that lonely people don’t spend any less time with people than non lonely people do, On averagebut an sounds crazy, but here’s a thing, we’ve all felt lonely in a crowd. So being proximate to people againts nice. (Time 1:19:32)
  • 1min Snip Open vulnere is another falsly signal, telling people information that could be used against you. And the best way to create trust in some one else is to display trust towards them and not merely use empty words. Of being open and vulnerable, having nose aacs what creates close friendships. Transcript: Speaker 1 Of being open and vulnerable, having nose aacs what creates close friendships. Cause open vulnere is another falsly signal, telling people information that could be used against you. That display trust. And the best way to create trust in some one else is to display trust towards them, to say, this is safe. I trust you. And not merely by using empty words, but by demonstrating telling them something which may not put you in the best light. That’s a really powerful way to communicate, not through empty words, to communicate in a one deeper level that i trust you. (Time 1:25:14)
  • 1min Snip “i still pay at the fundamental level of the line with what i wrote about in the book,” he says. “Because you need to have a personal definition of success.” Transcript: Speaker 2 Well, i have two last questions for you. You wread a book previously about why everything we know about success is wrong. And in that time, you’ve become quite successful yourself. You that book did extremely well. Youve got this wildly popular blog. How is your personal definition of success changed and evolved throughout this journey? Speaker 1 O, i still pay at the fundamental level of the line with what i wrote about in the book, in the sense that you need to have a personal definition of success. (Time 1:27:15)
  • 1min Snip “I’ve doubled down on that where i need to draw the lines myself. Nobody else is going to tell me, good. You did it. You’re done,” she says. “That was really hard to pat et years because, again, you know, and dii, being cut off from people.” Transcript: Speaker 1 I’m not kind of fretting a blog about my personal thoughts and feelings and what i ate for lunch. And i could always be working harder and drawing those lines if they were really difficult for me. But so for me, anything, i’ve doubled down on that where i need to draw the lines myself. Nobody else is going to tell me, good. You did it. You’re done. You knon. I nee to say, where’s enough for me? And that was really hard to pat et years because, again, you know, and dii, being cut off from people, it’s trick where you tyn find a balance, and you’re just not getting any external Signals. (Time 1:28:34)